This Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story
by MrPresident
Summary: I am not sure how exactly I can sum up a very complex, cleverly written, epic story in one sentence. So I won’t. Instead I will write the summary for this story. Evil arrives, evil is fought and evil is defeated. *Completed* [Warning:B/X]
1. In The Beginnning There Was A Writer Wit...

This Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story

Summary: I am not sure how exactly I can sum up a very complex, cleverly written, epic story in one sentence. So I won't. Instead I will write the summary for this story. Evil arrives, evil is fought and evil is defeated.

****

Chapter One – In The Beginning There Was A Writer With A Great Story. But Sadly Not This Beginning.

"That is so not true." Replied Buffy.

"You mean you didn't…" Asked Dawn.

However Buffy cut her off before she could finish. "Why don't I go order some pizza?"

On hearing the word 'pizza' Xander eyes immediately lit up, "Pizza?" He said in a child-like excited voice. 

"Yes Xander, pizza."

"Can I have the spicy full house?" Said Dawn

"I don't think that is a good idea?" Answered Buffy. "Remember the last time you ordered that?"

"Yeah, I refuse to unblock any toilets this time." Added Xander.

Dawn's face went a little red when the mind located that memory. "Okay maybe I should stick to cheese and tomato."

"Good idea. Xander? What are you having?"

"I can't decide. They all taste so good."

"It's only pizza Xander." Buffy regretted saying that even before she finished. 

"Only Pizza?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Only Pizza? Choosing what type of pizza you want is a basic human freedom. It is what America is all about. The choices we made, here today, will affect us for the rest of our lives."

"Finished?"

"Yeah."

"So what pizza do you want?"

"Cheese and tomato."

While they waited for the pizza to arrive the three of them slumped in front of the TV and watched a low-budget B-movie that always seem to be show late at night. 

"Why is it that the beautiful blonde always seems to be the one running from the monster?" Asked Buffy to no one in particular.

"Because a running beautiful blonde makes good television." Answered Xander without thinking about what he was saying.

"You like watching beautiful blonde running?" Asked Dawn.

When he heard the question Xander realised what he had said. "Err…no…I said it made good television."

Dawn ignored him, "Does that mean you like watching Buffy running?"

Xander glanced at Buffy who was looking intently at him waiting for an answer, "Err…" He tried to stall until he thought of a good response. "Um…. err…." Then he suddenly just such a response popped into his head. He looked up from the ground and stared into Buffy's eyes. "No, I said I liked blondes." Happy at what he considered a witty response he turned his attention back to the TV screen.

***********

Meanwhile…

In some other location, the forces of evil were preparing another scheme so evil that if I repeated it here then you would instantly burst into flames upon reading it. Luckily however the was a problem with the scheme.

"Where the hell are we going to get that amount of melons?" Shouted one evil demon in an evil voice.

Four evil demons, each with a very evil appearance, were sitting down at an evil table on evil seats discussing their evil plan. 

"I don't know." Replied one of the other evil demons, "Maybe we could grow them?"

The first evil demon looked at the other evil demon with a look of shock, "Grow them? Grow them? We are evil demons bent on the total destruction of this world, not some goddamn green-fingered gardeners!"

"Okay, no need to shout. It was just a suggestion."

A third evil demon entered the conservation, "Maybe we need a new plan."

"Okay, let's think of another evil plan. This time, no melons!" Replied the first evil demon.

There was silence while the four evil demons tried to come up with a suitably evil plan. 

It was the fourth evil demon that broke this silence, "I've got it."

"Does it involve melons?"

"No."

"Excellent. So, what is it?"

"Have any of you heard of the Amulet of Thebes?"

"No."

"No."

"No."

"Well, it was used by ancient Egyptians to speak to God. However this was not its real function."

"What was its real function?"

"It opened the door to hell."

"So where is it now?"

"A group called the secret order of Elept discovered its real function and stole it from the Egyptians. They took it too a far away land and buried it deep within the earth so that it would never be used again. And so it has remained for thousands of years. However a demon called Tremret made it his life's quest to discover the location of this amulet."

"Did he find it?"

"No, he was killed before he started digging. But I think he found out where it was located."

"You think?"

"I have some of his papers and it shows it's exact position."

"So where is it?"

"Sunnydale."

[End of Chapter One – It may take me a while for me to write chapter two since I haven't found a way to include the word 'roughage' into a sentence yet. So bear with me.]


	2. And That's How Uranus Got It's Name

This Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story

****

Chapter Two – And That's How Uranus Got It's Name.

_[One Week Later]_

The four demons, that are evil demons, have arrived in Sunnydale (or valley of the sun as it would be called in the great land of Yorkshire) to find the amulet of Thebes and bring about the destruction of the world. However the forces of good have not been idle during that time. They have been preparing day and night for the up-and-coming day of reckoning.

"Change the channel." Said Buffy.

"No, you change the channel." Replied Dawn.

"For the love of God would one of you please change the channel. I am getting an urge to buy that damn knife." Said a frightened Xander.

_Author's Note: Okay maybe I lied. So sue me. _

**********

In an appropriately evil setting the four evil demons discussed their evil plan. Did I mention how evil they are? Okay good. Just checking. Because they are evil. Very evil. Really very evil. 

"So how the hell are we going to get this Amulet thing?" Said the first evil demon.

"We can't dig it out. It is buried too deep." Added the second evil demon.

"Maybe there is some such of spell that would enable us to get it?" Asked the third evil demon.

"The spell would have to be discreet." Answered the fourth evil demon.

Author's note: Okay from now on the evil demons will be called ed1, ed2 and so on. This will probably confuse you but I don't really care. I am a very lazy man. Okay, back to the story.

"Why discreet?" Said Ed3.

"We don't want anyone to know what we are doing?" Replied Ed4.

"Like who?" Said Ed2.

"How about the Slayer?" Answered Ed4.

"Oh." Said the three other evil demons with one voice.

"Yeah, oh. We need to be as discreet as possible. This is one of the best Slayers for a long time. She is legendary. We cannot do anything that will raise suspicion. She must only know what we are doing until it is too late. Until we are ready to strike." Said Ed4

"Is she really that good?" Questioned Ed1.

"She could be plotting to attack us at this very moment for all we know." Replied Ed4

**********

"So that is your plan of attack?" Asked Xander.

"It can't be done. It's impossible." Said Dawn.

Xander continued with his questioning, "Won't they figure out what you are doing?"

"It is too dangerous." Said Dawn.

Buffy had a stern look in her eyes and replied, "I have to do it."

She took a minute to compose herself then took something out of her bag and walked forward.

"How may I help you?" Said a sales assistant

"I would like to return this video." Said Buffy while handing him the video that was in her hand. 

He took it and scanned it through the computer, "Okay, that will be…." He stopped in mid-sentence. "Wait a minute."

Buffy shifted her feet and looked at the floor. 

"This video hasn't been rewound." Continued the sales assistant.

"I know. It wasn't my fault, I was in a hurry, and there was an emergency." Said Buffy 

"I'm sorry but that is an additional two dollars."

Buffy paid for the video and the fine then left the store.

"Did they notice?" Asked Xander.

"Yeah, I got a two dollar fine."

"Two dollars?" Said Dawn in a high-pitched voice.

Buffy turned to Xander, "I think you owe me a dollar towards it."

"Me?" He replied.

"Yeah, remember. You say they wouldn't notice and not to bother."

"I say a lot of things. It's not my fault if you listen to me." 

"Come on, pay up."

Xander reached for his wallet, got out a dollar and handed it to Buffy. "I can't believe it. The first time someone does what I say and it costs me money."

"Maybe this should teach you a lesson." Buffy saw Xander's confused expression so she continued, "Like don't give out bad advice."

"No I don't think that is it." Replied Xander.

**********

"So this is your plan?" Said Ed1.

"Yes." Replied Ed4.

"Are you sure it is going to work?" Said Ed2.

"For the last time, it is going to work. We conjure up a series of earthquakes that creates hole in the ground where the Amulet is located. That way we don't have to do any digging." Explained Ed4.

"But what about the Slayer?" Asked Ed3.

"What about her?" Replied Ed4.

"Won't she realise what we are doing?" Continued Ed3.

The other three evil demons let out an evil laugh at this comment. 

"What?" Said a bewildered Ed3.

"We're in California. Home of the earthquakes." Said Ed4.


	3. The One With The One In The Title

**This Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story**

****

Chapter Three – The One With The One In The Title.

_[Five days and three earthquakes later]_

Buffy and Xander were sitting at the table in Buffy's house when another earthquake struck. "Is than another one?" Asked Buffy.

"Yeah." Replied Xander.

"How many is that?"

"Four in five days."

"Doesn't that strike you as being unusual?"

"It certainly does. Earthquakes in California? Completely unbelievable. What will happen next? Flooding in Mississippi? Droughts in Africa?"

"Very funny." Said Buffy as she crossed her arms and gave Xander a stern look.

Completely ignorant of this Xander said, "I do my best."

"Don't give up your day job."

"Thanks for the career advice? How do you flip burgers again?"

Buffy decided the best course of action would be to ignore that comment but she didn't forget it. At some point in the future she would get him back for that, well if she could remember too. "What I meant was that even for California four earthquakes in five days seems like a little too many."

"You think there is maybe something causing them?"

"Maybe."

"What should we do?"

"I don't know. Research?"

"Yeah. Research…research what?"

"Man do we need Giles or Willow."

"Yeah."

There was a moment of silence as the two of them thought about what they should do.

Suddenly Xander shouted, "Oh, I got it!"

"What?"

"We could call them."

"You think that is necessary?"

"I have been around the Slayer for long enough to know that when she says there is something wrong, there is something wrong."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"No problem, I just hope you are wrong."

"Yeah, so do I. Well only about this."

"Of course. Well and the whole Britney Spears thing."

"I'm telling you they are not real."

"La la la I'm not listening." Said Xander with his fingers in his ears.

**********

Meanwhile….

In the evil lair of the four evil demons….

"One more should do it." Said Ed4.

"Probably." Agreed Ed1.

"When we get the Amulet, what do we do next?" Asked Ed2.

"Good question," Replied Ed4. ", Let me explain so that **everyone** understands. When we get the amulet we go to the hell mouth. There we perform a special ritual and if we do it right, we shall open up the gates of hell. And that means the end of this horribly 'nice' world…. got that?"

"You talking to me?" Asked Ed2.

"Err…sure." Replied Ed4.

Ed 3 interrupted this conservation, "If you lot have finished with the Q&A session, do you think we could get back to work…"

Suddenly another earthquake shook the Summer's house.

"Did you feel that?" Asked Buffy.

"Another one." Replied Xander.

"Yeah."

"We definitely have to call now."

"Agreed. Can you hand me that book?" Said Buffy while pointing at a small book.

Xander handed it to her and asked, "What time is it over there?"

"Are they ahead or behind us?"

"I have no idea."

Buffy tried to work it out in her head but gave up, "This can't wait." She then starts dialling….still dialling….dials some more…"Hello? Giles? Oh, I'm sorry." She puts down the phone and says to Xander, "Wrong number." Then she precedes to dial again…._Author's note: this may take a while I suggest you go to the toilet or check your emails…..okay here we go…_ "Hello? Giles"

The voice at the other end of the voice responds, "Hello Buffy. Something wrong?"

"What is that meant to mean?"

"What?"

"Can't I call you without something being wrong?"

"That was not what I meant. You can call…" 

Buffy interrupted him before he could finish, "I'm not just business, business, business, you know. I do know how to have fun."

"I'm sure you do."

"Beside…"

This time Giles interrupted Buffy, "Buffy! I think we have got slightly off track. Why are you calling?"

"Something is wrong."

"What?" 

"We have had five earthquakes in six days."

"You do know that you are in California, right?"

"We know but we think it may be more that that."

"We?"

"Me and Xander."

"Xander  and I."

"Whatever. Could it be a demon?"

"I can't think of a demon that creates earthquakes but I'll still have a look through my books."

"Thanks. I'll patrol tonight to see if there is anything I can find."

"Good idea."

"Giles? How is Willow doing?"

"She is doing the same as yesterday."

"Oh."

"I think you need to realise that it may take a while or her to fully recover." 

"Yeah, I know. Can you tell her that we called."

"Sure. I'll call you tomorrow with any knowledge I can find."

"Thanks."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Buffy put the phone down. 

"What did he have to say?" Asked Xander

"He said that he would research but he doesn't think there a demon is causing the earthquakes."

"And about Willow?"

"No change." 

Xander's face immediately dropped at hearing this. 

"Hey, she'll recover." Said Buffy noticing this fact. "It's Willow we are talking about."

"Yeah, I know. It's just…that…I miss her so much."

"We all do. We all do."

**********


	4. There Are Two Rules To Follow To Guarant...

This Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story

Chapter Four – There Are Two Rules To Follow To Guarantee Success. One, Don't Tell People Everything You Know. 

The story so far…. Four evil demons arrived in Sunnydale looking for the amulet of Thebes. To get it they created a series of earthquakes in the hope that the Slayer wouldn't realise what they were doing. It worked to some extent but Buffy still thought something evil was causing them. She called Giles who said he would look into it. 

_Author's note: Reading that whole thing back to myself it really doesn't make a lot of sense. However since I have already written three chapters I might as well finish it, or at least leave it with a cliffhanger. If you have a suggestion for the story please email me with it or better still you could shout it at your computer screen. If nothing happens then that means I have received it. If I don't put your suggestion in my story it means that you are stupid. If I do put your suggestion in my story it means that I thought of it before you told me, also you are stupid. I am very disappointed by the quality of the reviews so far. So I have decided to review the reviews. First comes from Schnebly – '__????? This has no flow to it and is too difficult to read.' Difficult to read? Can you not read? As for flow I have no idea what. Second, Fourth and Sixth (and probably eighth) reviews come from Jane McCartney – 'your titles are the funniest' Agreed. 'You've an interesting way to write.' Again I agreed. 'This is so hilarious and absorbing!' Absorbing? What the hell are they? Kitchen towels? And finally, 'So funny! At least you ended on the truth. Next up is Rixi with 'lmao, i like it.' There is one word for this review – useless. As for the rest of you reviewers – no! (I couldn't be bothered to continue)…. back to the story…. anytime now…right…. about…. NOW!_

Back in the evil lair of the evil…. blah…evil blah…

"Finally it is in our possession!" Said Ed4 while holding the amulet above his head.

"Where do now?" Asked Ed2.

"To the hell mouth." Said Ed4

The four evil demons all went out of the evil lair in their own evil way. They made their evil way through the not-that evil streets until they arrived at the formerly-evil burnt down high school. They entered and made their evil way to the not-at-all evil library. They proceeded, in an evil manner, to form an evil circle placing the not-sure-if-it-is evil amulet in the middle. One of the evil demons pulled out an evil book and began to speak in an evil language (possibly French)…

"(Words from the evil language)." Said Ed4.

All the other evil demons repeated the evil words.

"Now place the herbs on top of the amulet." Said Ed4.

There was silence for a moment.

"Place the herbs on top of the amulet!" Repeated Ed4.

"Err…we don't have any." Said Ed3.

"What?" Asked Ed4.

"We don't have any." Replied Ed2.

"No herbs?" Asked Ed4.

"No." Said Ed2.

"Whose job was it to get the damn herbs?" Asked Ed4.

The other three evil demons each pointed one of their evil fingers at the other evil demon.

"Oh for the love of God! I am surrounded by idiots! One of you go and get the herbs."

The other three evil demons looked at each other, in an evil way. No one moved.

"You." Said Ed4, pointing at Ed1. "You, go get them."

"Fine." Said Ed1. He got up and walked out of the room.

"I'll I asked for is herbs, is that too much?" Asked Ed4 to no one in particular. "Okay while we are waiting for him to return we might as well prepare the potion. Get out the Drangion skull and Irelay powder."

No one moved.

"I don't believe this." Was all Ed4 could manage.

**********

Buffy was already regretting what she had done but there are some things you must do if you are trying to save the world from untold evil.

"Is Xander suffering indescribable amounts of pain?" Asked Anya.

Going into the Magic Shop was one of them.

"I don't know." Replied Buffy.

"He should be, after what he did to me. Don't you think?"

"I'm not getting involved." Before Anya could continue Buffy quickly added, "So, have you seen anything odd? Evil odd around here?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"One man came in here with discount coupons."

"I meant more of an end-the-world kind of evil."

"Oh. Well no."

Buffy was disappointed that Anya couldn't help her but kind of relieved that she could now leave.

"Okay, I probably should be getting going."

"You tell Xander that I hope he is in an incredible amount of pain."

"Will do."

Buffy made her way to the exit when suddenly a huge demon entered. The two of them stand at the entrance eyeing each other. Buffy was just about to get into a fighting stance when the demon walked on past and up to Anya. He then pulled out a list and began to read off items from it. 

Buffy stared for a minute then said in a low voice to herself, "I hope for his sake, he doesn't have any coupons."

**********

"Do you go to see…. err…you know." Asked a nervous Xander as soon as Buffy had walked through the door.

"Anya?" Replied Buffy.

"Yeah."

"Yes."

"Well…"

"She said to say hi."

"Really?"

"No, she said that she hoped you were suffering an incredible amount of pain. But I could mean hi."

"Oh." Xander visibly saddened.

"It is not that bad." Buffy said, trying to comfort him.

"Not that bad? She wants me suffering incredible amount of pain. That doesn't sound like she has forgiven me. They don't write that on Hallmark cards."

"She just needs more time. You did leave her at the altar."

"Why does everyone keep focusing in on that?"

"It was a kind of huge thing, you know."

"Yeah. But unforgivable?"

"I don't know."

"Would you forgive me if I ever left you at the altar?"

Buffy answered without thinking, "You would probably be to beaten up to forgive." 

"Oh."

"But that is not everyone." Said Buffy trying to recover the situation. Realising that the damage was done she tried to change the subject. "You never did tell me why you left her."

Xander looked straight into Buffy's eyes, for what felt like an age, and then he said, "Yeah, I know."

It was at that moment that the phone rang. Buffy didn't answer it straight away she was still staring into Xander's deep brown eyes. Several rings later and Xander saying, "You going to answer that?" brought her back to reality. "Oh, yeah. Hello?"

The voice on the other end said, "Buffy?"

"Oh, hi Giles."

"I have some information."

"You found a demon that causes earthquakes?"

"No, not exactly."

"What then?"

"Well I have just been at the Watcher's Council."

"Really?"

"Yes, they seemed to have agreed with you about the earthquakes not being natural."

"Oh." Buffy always liked to hear those magic words, 'agreed with you'.

"They say that a group of four demons are causing them. It seems that they are after the amulet of Thebes."

"The what?"

"Amulet of Thebes. It was an ancient Egyptian device for talking to God."

"They want to talk to God?"

"No. The Egyptians didn't realise it but the real purpose of the amulet was to open a door to hell."

"What is it with demons and opening doors to hell."

"Indeed."

"So, why did they cause the earthquakes?"

"The amulet was hidden by some sort of secret order once its real function was discovered. It appears that the place chosen was deep under Sunnydale. Hence the earthquakes to dig it up."

"How exactly does this amulet thing open a door to hell?"

"Well, if placed over a hell mouth, a ritual can be performed that harnesses the energy of the amulet to rip a hole through to hell."

"A ritual? Would that involve items from say the Magic Shop?"

"Yes I suppose. Certain herbs and…. "

"I have to go." After she said this Buffy dropped the phone and ran out the door. 

"Buffy? Buffy?"

Xander went over to the phone, "Giles?"

"Xander?"

"What did you say to her?"

"Where has she gone?"

"She ran out the door."

"I think Anya may be in trouble."

Xander also dropped the phone and ran out the door.

"Xander? Xander? Can't you people hang up?"


	5. I Can’t Believe You Have Made It This Fa...

This Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story

Chapter Five – I Can't Believe You Have Made It This Far.

The door to the Magic Shop burst open causing Anya to drop the jar of pennies that she was holding. The jar fell to the ground where upon it smashed into tiny pieces of glass releasing a shower of pennies across the floor. Anya turned towards the door to see who was responsible for the damage. 

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Shouted Anya.

Buffy walked into the shop and quickly scanned the area for demons. When she was satisfied that there were no demons she turned her attention to Anya. "Are you okay?"

""No I am not okay. There is glass and pennies everywhere." Answered an extremely upset Anya.

"I meant are you okay in the not in mortal danger kind of way." Explained Buffy.

"What are you talking about?"

"Giles said the demons trying to destroy the world would need supplies to do it. Then I remember seeing that demon enter the shop just as I was leaving."

"Oh, him. He just looked around for a while then bought some herbs. He didn't even spend that much."

"He didn't try to attack you?"

"No. Neither did the other demon."

"Other demon?"

"Yeah. About 15 minutes after the first demon, another one came in a bought some other stuff."

"What did he buy?"

"I don't know."

"It is very important, can you find out?"

"I suppose." Anya carefully stepped around the broken glass and went her way to the till. She opened in and started to look through that day's sales. 

Buffy didn't know what to do as she waited. She looked down at the mess and thought that she better clean it up. However upon inspection she couldn't see a broom anywhere. So she decided to put the larger bits of glass into the bin.

Then Anya shouted, "Found it."

Buffy looked up.

"He bought a Drangion skull and some Irelay powder."

"What do they do?"

"Well together they are used in the usual open the hell mouth spells."

"And you sell them here?"

"The Irelay powder is also used in most love potions."

"And the Drangion skull?"

"People use it as a paperweight."

Buffy and about to respond when the door to the shop burst open for a second time. In the doorway stood Xander slightly stooped over and sounding like he was dying.

"Are you okay?" Asked Buffy.

Xander nodded and tried to speak. However his breathing was so heavy that he couldn't form words. So he tried to act out what he was trying to say.

"What are you trying to tell us boy?" Joked Buffy.

Xander gave her a stern look and continued his wild arm actions. 

After a few more humorous guesses by Buffy, Xander had recovered enough to speak, "Is Anya alright?"

"Oh, that is what you were trying to say." Said Buffy.

"I'm fine." Said Anya.

Xander hadn't been able to see her as where she was standing was in shadow. Upon hearing her voice he visibly relaxed. He moved so that he could see her and smiled, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Replied Buffy.

"I picked up the phone and Giles told me about the demons and I just ran over here." Explained Xander.

"Took you long enough." Said Buffy.

"Well, we don't all have Slayer speed now, do you?"

"You ran all the way over here just to see if I was okay?" Asked Anya.

Xander nodded.

The two of them were staring into each other's eyes. There was silence for a moment. Buffy looked at Xander then at Anya and then rolled her eyes. "I probably should be…. err…you know…I probably should be going." She pointed at the door. Neither Xander nor Anya reacted. "Okay then." Buffy took one last look at the two of them and left.

**********

Dawn was slumped on the couch watching an old black and white film when Buffy returned.

"Hi, where have you been?" Asked Dawn.

"Out."

"I know that. I have been in and you were here. So I assumed you were out."

"I was at the Magic Shop."

"Why?"

"It doesn't matter. So what are we watching?"

"You always do that."

"What?"

"Shut me out."

"There was no shutting."

"There was shutting. You are always shutting."

"Alright fine! You want to know what I am doing? Well, we think that there may be some demons trying to open the hell mouth and destroy the world. I went to the Magic Shop because we thought that they might go there for supplies. Happy then?"

"We?"

"What?"

"Who is we?"

"Xander and I."

"Where is he?"

"At the Magic Shop."

"He didn't come home with you."

"No, he didn't."

"Why?"

"Do we really have to talk about it?" Shouted Buffy

Dawn fell silent and turned back to the screen.

"He was talking to Anya." Said Buffy.

"About what?"

"They have some issues."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Well they were working them out."

"I get ya." Said Dawn with a smile.

"What does that mean?"

"They were working it out. Come on, I'm not a kid anymore. I know what you are talking about."

"And what do you think I am talking about."

"They were having sex."

"What!" 

"Sex. You meant they were having sex."

"That is not what I meant!"

"Alright fine that wasn't what you meant. No need to go psycho."

"I did not go psycho."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"You totally went psycho."

"I don't know want you are talking about."

"Fine."

Again Dawn turned back to the screen. And again silence fell between the two sisters.

"Why would I go psycho anyway?"

"Coz you like Xander."

"What?"

"You like him."

"And you accuse me of going psycho."

"Hello, in denial much? The thought of Xander and Anya getting back together totally wigs you out."

"That is because they are so wrong for each other."

"Why is that?"

"Because…because she is a vengeance demon and Xander is…. Xander is…well…just because."

"Xander is what?"

"Xander is Xander."

"Great argument. That so put me in my place. However will I recover?"

"Oh, shut up! You don't know what you are talking about."

"Fine."

"I don't like Xander."

"Okay."

"It is just that Anya isn't right for him."

"Alright."

Now both of them turned towards the television screen. This time the silence lasted much longer. Until finally Buffy broke it, "So, what did you say the film was called?"


	6. Wherefore Art Thou Xander? For The Unedu...

This Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story

****

Chapter Six – Wherefore Art Thou Xander? For The Uneducated This Means 'Why Xander?'

Back inside the very evil (it has been upgraded to evilcon 2) lair…

"Are you sure we have everything?" Asked Ved1 

"Yes." Answer Ved2.

"Everything?" Again asked Ved1.

"Yes." Said Ved2.

"So we are not missing anything? If we had to do the ritual right now we would have everything we need?" Said Ved1.

"Yes." Replied the other three very evil demons.

"Ok then. Let's go destroy the world." Said Ved1.

**********

"Should we call him?" Asked Dawn.

"No." Replied Buffy.

"But…"

"No buts. He knows our number. If he wants to call he can."

"I know but isn't this too important to be acting all…"

"Acting all what?"

"Is this really what we should be talking about? The world is about to end."

"Oh, the world is always about to end."

"Still…"

"Alright fine. I'll call him. Happy now?"

"Happier."

"I'm glad I could help." Said Buffy as she went to pick up the phone. She started to dial the familiar number and waited.

"Oh, great." Said Buffy in a quiet voice.

"What?"

"Machine…Oh, hi Xander. This is Buffy. You are probably with Anya but just reminding you about the whole world is about to end thing…so you know call me." 

She was about to put down the phone when there was a voice at the other end, "Buffy?"

"Xander?"

"Sorry, I was in the shower."

"Oh."

"What did you want?"

"Err…oh yeah. It is today."

"What is?"

"End of the world."

"Today?"

"Yeah. I called Giles last night and he told me that the demons have to do the ritual tonight."

"Why only tonight."

"I'm not sure but Giles used a lot of big words in explaining it."

"One of those explanations. So what is the plan?"

"Go to the hell mouth and wait for them to appear. Then stop the ritual."

"Okay. I'll be right over."

"Okay."

Xander hung up and Buffy was left listening to the dial tone. 

"Is he coming over?" Asked Dawn.

"What? Oh, yeah."

"Told you he would."

"No you didn't."

"Well…maybe I didn't. But I did tell you he would be home and not with Anya."

"Anya could have gone home with him."

"Oh, I didn't think of that."

"It doesn't matter anyway. I mean why should I care if he got back with her."

"I have no idea."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

There was a silence as Buffy glared at Dawn.

"Help me with these weapons." Buffy finally said.

**********

It took Xander slightly longer than usual to arrive at the Summer's house. When he arrived he found both Buffy and Dawn sitting on the couch watching cartoons.

"Looking for some inspiration?" Said Xander.

"Xander!" Said Dawn.

"Why did it take you so long?" Asked Buffy.

"I didn't know that it did." Replied Xander.

"Well, anyway. We better get going." Said Buffy.

She pointed to a bag and Xander picked it up.

"Anything else?" He asked.

"No." She answered.

"Can I come?" Asked Dawn.

"No!" Said Buffy.

"Why not?" Said Dawn.

"It is too dangerous." Replied Buffy.

"It is always too dangerous. Come on Xander can I come?" Said Dawn.

"Sorry Dawn. I've got to listen to the Slayer on this one." Said Xander. "But when we come back I'll let you a certain 18-rated movie."

"Really?" Said an excited Dawn.

"Sure, why not?" Answered Xander without seeing the look that Buffy was giving him.

**********

Buffy and Xander hadn't spoken since they left the house. There was a sort of uneasy silence between the two. It was finally broken when they came in sight of their old high school. 

"There it is." Said Buffy. "Be on your guard."

"When do you think they will try to do the ritual?" Asked Xander.

"I don't know. It could be anytime before midnight." 

They had entered the building by this point.

"Man, if these walls could talk. They would be some damn scary walls."

"Talking walls? I wouldn't put it past the hell mouth."

"Yeah."

Again there was silence between them.

"Hey Xander. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure. Oh wait, this isn't about the stuff in my closet? Because like I told you before it was there when I moved in."

"No, it's not about that. What did you and Anya do when I left?"

"Talked."

"Just talked?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"No reason."

"There must be a reason."

"It's nothing."

"If it's nothing, then tell me what it is."

"Okay but promise me you won't get all mad."

"I promise."

"I didn't want you and Anya to get back together."

Xander fell silence when he heard this.

"See I knew you were going to get mad."

"I'm not mad."

"You're not?"

"No."

"Sure?"

"Yes. I'm fine."

"Okay, good."

"Yes I am fine, perfectly fine."


	7. The End Part One

This Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story

****

Chapter Seven – The End.

"Xander? Said Buffy. "Xander?" She repeated a little louder this time.

Xander suddenly looked up at her as if bought out of a daydream, "Huh? What?"

"You haven't said anything for like an hour."

"Sorry I don't feel much like talking right now."

"Is it because I said that you and Anya shouldn't get back together?"

"No. Absolutely not…. well…in a way, yes."

"Really?"

"It got me thinking."

"About what?"

"Stuff."

"Stuff? What kind of stuff."

"Important kind of stuff."

"How important?"

"Life-changing."

"What is it?"

Xander stayed silent.

"Oh you are so not doing this to me, Xander Harris."

"Doing what?"

"You can't tell me you are thinking about life-changing stuff and then not tell me what it is."

"I can and I will."

"Alright, you are forcing me to guess. Let me think, life-changing stuff? And me saying that you and Anya shouldn't be together started it? Hmm…"

"This is going to be one of those really long guessing games."

"If it is annoying you can always just tell me."

Xander just smiled.

"Fine, have it your way. My first guess is that it is something to do with relationships."

Xander's left eye twitched ever so slightly.

"Ah-hah."

"Ah-hah what?"

"Ah-hah, I was right."

"How do you know that?"

"You have a tell."

"I don't have a tell."

"Uh-huh. Your left eye twitched."

"That doesn't mean you were right. It could have been itchy."

"Okay, let's test it. You cried at the film, Bambi."

Xander's left eye twitched again.

"See!" Said an excited Buffy.

"Damn! Wait, how did you know that?"

"Willow told me."

"Oh, she is so dead." Xander said under his breath. "What else did she tell you?"

"Nothing really. Just that when you were seven you used to prance around and say you were a ballerina." 

"That's not true. I was six and I didn't prance. Just jumped occasionally."

"Did you wear one of those pink thingy?"

"Yes."

Buffy tried to stop herself laughing but couldn't.

"Laugh it up Slayer. But I was pretty damn good."

"As a ballerina?"

"Yeah, I had raw talent. If I continued it I could have been one of the best in the world."

"Why didn't you continue?"

"Only a woman would ask that question."

"What? What is wrong with that question?'

"You do remember a little thing called school, right?"

"Point taken."

[Moment of silence]

"Is it to do with Anya?"

"Is what to do with Anya?"

"Your life-changing stuff."

"No comment."

"Willow?"

"No comment."

"Giles?"

This time Xander said nothing but just looked at the ground

"Dawn?"

Again Xander just looked at the ground.

"Me?"

Xander's left eye twitched.

"It's to do with me?"

"No, of course not."

"But your left eye twitched."

"So? I think you are putting a little too much faith in the whole left eye twitch thing."

"So it is not to do with me?"

Xander's left eye twitched, again.

"It did it again!"

"Alright fine. It is about you."

"What is it?"

Xander fell silent.

"Come on, I think I have a right to know."

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't know. I just do."

"Why because you are the Slayer? Because you're Buffy? And you have to know everything? Well this is one thing you don't have a right to know!" Xander was shouting by now.

Buffy didn't say anything but her face was betrayed her feeling of complete shock. 

Xander spoke again but this time his voice was quiet and calm. "Listen Buffy, I didn't mean…" 

However before he could finish the shadows of four figures was projected onto the wall behind Buffy.

_That is the end of this fan fiction. I would like to thank all the people who made this piece of writing possible. Unfortunately that would involve me thanking myself, which I think we can agree is slightly egocentric. So I will simply finish by giving you a quote that I think sums up exactly how I feel, "Screw you guys, I'm going home."_


	8. The End Part Two

This Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story

****

Chapter Eight – The End – Part Two

_Author's note: Did you really think that was the end? Would I do that to you? What sort of person do you think I am? The purpose of this chapter is to give closure to those who work it. So if you were happy with the way the last chapter ended then go no further. Stop. Right here. No more. This is it. End of the metaphorical line. If you are reading this then I will assume that you want to closure. Welcome. I hope you find what you are looking for. And if you don't…well…that's life. Anyway back to the story…_

"Didn't mean what?" Asked Buffy.

Xander remained speechless but Buffy looked into his eyes and noticed that they weren't on her but on the wall behind. She turned around and saw the shadows. "Oh, crap."

The four extremely evil demons (Eed) stood in the doorway just staring at the two figures in front of them. 

Finally someone spoke. "So, I take it you are the Slayer?" Said Eed4.

"And you the demons trying to destroy the world?" Replied Buffy.

"So." Said Eed4. "What now?"

"We fight, you lose and then I go have ice-cream." Said Buffy.

"Sounds like a nice plan. One problem with it though." Said Eed4.

"Oh, what is that?" Said Buffy.

"The ice-cream shops are shut." Said Eed4.

"That alright, I have some a home." Said Buffy.

"Okay are we just going to banter? Or is there going to be a fight?" Asked Eed2.

"Fight." Said Eed4 and Buffy together.

"Well, let's get it on." Said Eed2.

[**Start of battle scenes**]

Eed2 charged towards Buffy but she skilfully moved out of the way and managed to throw his flying body at the wall. Immediately Eed1 and 3 ran at Buffy, she jumped in the air and kicked them both in the face. This left her and Eed4 standing opposite each other. While this was happening Xander had got an axe out of a bag. He now threw this to Buffy. The demon seeing Buffy holding an axe pulled out his own weapon, a large sword. The two of them ran towards each other. After a lot of action scenes Buffy finally managed to cut off the demons head with the axe. While Buffy had been fighting, Xander had killed two of the unconscious demons but the last one came too and was now trying to kill him. Buffy turned round to see the demon hit Xander in the face knocking him out cold. He was about to go in for the kill when an axe appeared in the middle of his back. He fell down dead.

[**End of battle scenes]**

"Xander? Xander?" Buffy shouted at the unconscious body in her hands. "Can you hear me?"

He didn't move.

_Author's note: If this were the actual TV show I would have ended the episode here._

A tear emerged from one of Buffy's eyes. It went down her cheek, passed her mouth and then fall off her face. It landed on Xander. He stirred. "Xander! Xander!" 

"Buffy?"

"Xander!"

"Did you get them?"

"Yeah. The world is saved."

"That's nice." 

"Are you okay?"

"Apart from the worst headache in known existence, I'm fine."

"Good. You kind of had me worried there."

"Sorry, next time I'll try not to get knocked unconscious."

"That is all I ask."

Xander slowly got to his feet and looked around. "What do you say we get out of here?"

"I say, good idea. Where shall we go?"

"I remember you saying something about buying me some ice-cream."

"I never said any such thing."

"Oh sorry my memory is a bit off since I received that massive blow to the head."

"Playing the guilt card? Alright fine, let's go get some ice-cream."

"You're treat?"

"My treat."

"Excellent."

"It almost seems like you got four demons to try and destroy the world so you could get free ice-cream."

"That sounds a little too intelligent for me."

Buffy smiled and Xander smiled back.

**********

"Man, this is some nice ice-cream." Said Xander.

"You got that right."

There was silence as both of them ate their ice cream. Occasionally Xander made 'hmmm' type noise. 

When the ice creams were finished Buffy turned to Xander and said, "So, what exactly were you going to say before?"

_Author's note: This is the end of this chapter. It is what I consider a happy ending. I know that there are people out there who would argue with this. They would say that a happy ending would be Xander and Buffy getting together. I would be happy to continue this fan fiction and do such an ending, if the people want it. Alternatively I could write a completely different fan fiction and you could enjoy that. The choice is yours._


	9. They Thought It Was All Over

Chapter Nine – They Thought It Was All Over__

"I love you. I have always loved."

"I know. Somehow I know."

"Well, do you love me? Do you?"

"Yes, yes of course I do. I love more than I have loved anyone else in the world."

"I have wanted to do this for so long. Buffy, will you marry me?"

"Yes, yes I will. Kiss me Xander! Xander! Xander!" 

It was at this point that Xander opened his eyes. It took him a second to recognise where he was. Sofa, television, strange décor, he was at Buffy's house. Then he became aware of a figure leaning over here. He jumped back in shock.

"Jeez took you long enough." Said Buffy. "You're harder to wake than sleeping beauty."

"I thought it was easy to wake sleeping beauty."

"Huh?"

"It only took a kiss from Prince Charming. You didn't…did you?"

"Okay first, your fairytale knowledge is scary. Second, eew!"

"What's eew?" Asked Dawn as she made her way down the stairs.

"Kissing Xander to wake him up." Replied Buffy in a matter of fact way.

"That's not eew."

Both Xander and Buffy looked inquiringly at Dawn.

"What? It's not like I have ever done it or anything. Is that pancakes I smell?"

"Yeah, help yourself." 

Dawn made her way towards the kitchen carefully managing not to make eye contact with Xander but in a way which it didn't look like she was trying not to make eye contact.

"You cooked pancakes?" Xander asked with a touch of surprise in his voice.

"What? I can cook pancakes."

Buffy noticed Xander's eye rolling.

"Are you going to bring up that thing every time I cook?"

"I didn't say anything."

"Your eyes did."

"My eyes do more talking than my mouth."

"Nothing does more talking than your mouth."

And with that Buffy left the room.

Xander looked out of the window and seeing that it was relatively light he figured that it must be fairly late in the morning. Then he realised that he possessed a watch and therefore a slightly more accurate form of telling the time than simply looking out the window. He was right; it was late in the morning. He had better get going. However as is usual with getting up in the morning he paused to consider whether he really did have to get up. He decided that he had to and so with great effort he started to get up. He reckoned that getting up should be like removing a plaster, fast and sudden. So he quickly lifted his body from the couch but when he obtained a vertical position he was hit by a wave of pain in his lower back. "Aahh!" He shouted in pitch that, if he was a woman, dogs could have heard.

Buffy came rushing into the room but stopped upon seeing only Xander, "What is it?" She asked.

"My back!" 

"Does it hurt?"

"Of course it hurts!"

"Man, you're not much of a morning person."

"Not when I have just spent the night on the pain-o-matic here." He said while violently pointing to the couch.

"It's not that bad."

"Have you ever slept there?"

"Well, no. But…"

"I rest my case."

"Are you in a lot of pain?"

"Yes."

"On a scale of 1 to 10."

"The number which means I couldn't care less about the damn scale because I AM IN TOO MUCH PAIN!"

"Alright, calm down. I'll call a doctor. Maybe you should sit down."

Buffy motioned Xander towards the couch.

"No way! Not on that thing!" Xander scanned the room for a different place to sit and saw what looked like to him to be a reasonable comforting chair on the other side of the room and slowly moved towards.

Meanwhile Buffy had got a black book from a small drawer and had dialed a number on the telephone, "Yes Hello? Is this Doctor Deighton?"

"Ow, ow, ow…"

"This is Buffy Summers. Can I have an appointment for today?"

"Ow, God this is torture, ow…"

"Three o'clock. That will be fine. Thanks a lot." Buffy placed the phone back in its original position.

"Ow, ow, OW!" Xander finally managed to lower himself into the chair.

"You okay there?"

"Fine. Never better."

"I booked an appointment for three o'clock."

Xander merely nodded.

"Do you want some pancakes?"

Despair flooded over Xander's face and he started to get up from his chair.

Buffy realising what he was doing quickly added, "I can bring them out to you."

"Oh thank God." 

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes. But I don't want to be a bother. Just a couple of pancakes on a plate will be fine."

Buffy nodded and turned to go out of the room.

"Actually make that five; no wait six, six pancakes."

"Anything else?" Buffy said turning back to face Xander.

"Nope."

Buffy turned towards the kitchen again.

"Well, a bit of maple syrup wouldn't hurt."

"Okay, six pancakes and some maple syrup. Is that all?"

"And some orange juice."

"Freshly-squeezed?" 

"No, I wouldn't make to be a bother."

"How could you be?"

"Well okay some freshly-squeezed orange juice."

"Coming right up."

Author's note: Don't always believe what you read, especially from people like me. I would like to end this chapter with a quote from perhaps one of the greatest comedians ever, 'Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend, inside of a dog it is too dark to read.'


	10. Buy British Beef Now With Only 5 percen...

Chapter Ten – Buy British Beef (Now With Only 5% Mad Cow)

****

Author's note: I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. It just happened. It was late at night, there was nothing on television and I thought 'hey why don't I write some fan fiction'. Then one thing led to another and well, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I can do better, I know I can. Just give me a second chance. That is all I am asking, a second chance. Just one tiny little second chance. What do you mean you won't give it to me? I apologise repeatedly and beg for forgiveness and you say no! What sort of people are you? How dare you? It is not like it is totally unforgivable. Lots of people write crap fan fictions. Hell, most of the fan fictions are crap and just because I lower my standards slightly you disown me! You deserve to rot in the fiery hell of the underworld! You think you are so great and wonderful. Maybe you should think about going down from your high horse and living like the rest of us peasants. Maybe then you will realise the pressures of trying to be funny and original. Then we will see how you cope. You are exactly what is wrong with this world, you and the French. No you are worse than the French. You are sub-French. The French use you as toilet brushes, that is how low you are. You are the lowest of the low. The bottom run of the ladder. The dustbin men of the rubbish tip, the Backstreet boys of the music world, the Americans of the humour world, the McDonalds of quality food, Keanu Reeves of acting and yes even Honey Loops of the breakfast cereals. How do you sleep at night? Oh, and enjoy the chapter.

****

"We're lost, aren't we?"

"We are not lost."

"Do you know where we are?"

"That's not the point."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Look, are we lost or not?"

"No. I just don't know where we are."

"That is the definition of lost."

"Maybe it is your definition."

"You have your own definition?"

"For the purposes of this argument, yes."

"You are one weird lady."

"So are you."

"Very funny."

"I thought so."

"Maybe it wouldn't be as funny if your back was killing you."

"Maybe."

"You are not a very compassionate person, are you?"

"Not by nature."

"You hide it well."

"I try."

"Is that what you call it?"

"Hey, is that it?"

"That's a tattoo parlour."

"Really?"

"The big flashing neon sign was a bit of a clue."

"Oh, I missed that."

"That is not building my confidence in your driving, you know."

"You don't have confidence in my driving?"

"Not since you drove through that red light."

"What red light?"

"Exactly."

"I'm an excellent driver."

"By whose definition?"

"Do you want me to stop the car?"

"Yes, preferably outside the doctor's."

"Do I go left here?"

"I don't think you can go…oh, God! You went left."

"What did you say?"

"My life just flashed in front of my eyes."

"It took that long?"

"You know what I realised?"

"What?"

"I don't eat enough cheese."

"Who does?"

"Mice?"

"They don't eat cheese."

"According to the cartoons they do."

"The same cartoons that have people getting hit by anvils?"

"Yep."

"You know cartoons aren't the be all and end all of knowledge."

"Scooby Doo is."

"What is it with you and Scooby Doo?"

"Nothing."

"There is definitely something weird there."

"No there isn't."

"Why do you have all those episodes on tape then?"

"It is a quality show."

"Maybe but surely it is not religious recording good."

"Okay fine! I fancy Daphne."

"The cartoon character?"

"Yes."

"The really girly one?"

"Yes."

"You are weird."

"This is from a girl with a bedroom full of stuffed animals."

"What is wrong with stuffed animals?"

"Everything."

"But they are so cute."

"Whoever invented that word ought to be shot."

"That's a little harsh."

"Let the punishment fit the crime, that's my motto."

"I thought your motto was Playboy is legitimate reading material."

"I changed it."

"Why?"

"To many complaints from the feminists."

"What feminists?"

"Willow."

"Willow is a feminist?"

"She doesn't like Playboy, does she?"

"That is your definition of a feminist?"

"Yep."

"Wait, Willow doesn't like Playboy? I thought she would, you know."

"That is what I thought too. Apparently she thinks it objectifies women, whatever that means."

"I think it means that it treats women like meat."

"And that is a bad thing?"

"Yes."

"Even if it is top of the range beef? Top of the range British beef? The delicious British beef that is available in all quality supermarkets and butchers."

"Is that the amazing British beef that I have been hearing about?"

"Yes it is. British beef is now the safest beef in the entire world."

"This British beef sounds like it tastes astoundingly."

"It does, it does…so treating women like meat is a bad thing?"

"Yes."

"Even during…you know."

"Okay I'm going to stop you right there Xander."

"What?"

"I don't want to hear about you and Anya's kinky stuff."

"I wasn't talking about that."

"You weren't?"

"Okay maybe I was."

"Eww!"

"What?"

"I just got a visual."

"Do you think you should be getting visuals when you are driving?"

"You're the one who caused it."

"Hey it's not my fault you want to picture naked."

"Who said you were naked."

"Why else would you visualise it?"

"Maybe when we are at the doctor's you could get an ego-reduction as well."

"Yeah and maybe you could get an enlargement."

"Of my ego?"

"Not your ego."

"Then wha…Xander!"

"What?"

"I can't believe you said that?"

"It was a joke."

"Not a very funny one."

"Depends on your point of view."

"I don't care how funny you found it there are just some things you don't make fun of."

"You mean stuff like tragedy?"

"No I mean me."

"I shouldn't make fun of you?"

"Not if I don't have a witty comeback."

"But you never have a witty comeback."

"Xander!"

"What?"

"That is what I'm talking about."

"Hey it is not my fault I was funnier than you."

"And it is not my fault you are uglier either."

"Oh, a shot below the belt."

"You are the one who made this personal."

"I didn't know I was in an Arnie film."

"What?"

"You know…Terminator…_This time it's personal."_

"That wasn't Terminator."

"Yes it was, wasn't it?"

"I don't think so."

"Anyway that wasn't my point."

"What was your point?"

"That the doctor's is on your right."

"It is?"

"Right there."

"Oh yeah. See I told you we weren't lost."

"No we weren't lost. We just didn't know where we were."

"Exactly."

Author's Note: Contrary to popular belief I do not and never will do any kind of subliminal advertising in my stories, I am not Disney.


	11. Who Says I’m Running Out Of Ideas?

Chapter 11 – Who Says I'm Running Out Of Ideas?

****

Buffy and Xander returned back to the house after the doctor's visit. They were greeted at the door by Dawn.

****

"So what did the doctor say?" Asked Dawn.

"He said Xander was faking." Replied Buffy.

"He did not. He said it was just a one-off spasm induced by that crappy couch of yours." Said Xander.

"Another words you were faking."

"I wasn't faking, I was in a lot of pain."

"Yeah, fake pain."

"Alright that's it."

"You want to go? Let's go." Said Buffy as she went into fight mode.

"Guys! I don't think fighting would be the best thing to do right now."

"Yeah Dawn is right."

"That's just because you are scared of my Slayer powers."

"That's not it, although you having super-human strength kind of puts you at an advantage."

"Yeah well…"

"Guys!"

"What?" They both replied."

"There is a bit of a situation."

"What kind of situation?" Buffy asked cautiously.

"Hey is that smoke I smell?"

"Dawn!"

"It wasn't my fault."

"What did you do?"

"There was a slight cooking mishap."

"What kind of cooking mishap?"

By now they were about to enter the kitchen.

"Jesus Christ!" Shouted Xander when he saw the slight cooking mishap. "You call that a slight cooking mishap?"

"In the Summers' scale of cooking mishaps it ranks pretty low." Explained Dawn.

"But the kitchen is on fire!" 

Xander turned to Buffy for her to back him up but she just nodded, "Dawn's right, this isn't that bad."

"Are you both insane?" Xander asked to someone in particular.

"Dawn hand me that cloth."

"Shouldn't we call the fire brigade?"

"For this little fire?"

"Little?!?"

"Xander you have a lot to learn about Summers' cooking."

"I don't think there is much cooking going on."

"Yeah there is, see that smoldering black stuff."

"Yes."

"That's tonight's desert."

"Is it edible?"

"Is it ever?"

"Good point."

"Hey! Buffy you're cooking isn't that much better."

"She's right."

"Yeah but it's not Dawn-bad."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Is."

"Isn't."

"Xander!" They both shouted.

"I'm not getting involved in that."

"Wimp."

"You say wimp, I say smart. Let's call the whole thing off."

"Oh, you can't joke your way out of this one."

"I can't joke my way out of any of them."

"There will be revenge."

"Yeah."

"Ooh I'm scared."

"You heard about a woman's scorn?"

"Yes!"

"That was a rhetorical question Xander."

"Oh."

"You heard about a woman's scorn? Well, this will be twice that."

"I have faced the end of the world countless times, I dated Cordelia, I left Anya at the altar and I was a male stripper. I think I can handle something as little as your revenge."

"He has got a point there Buff…wait what was that about being a stripper?"

"Don't worry Dawn I am sure we can come up with something."

"You don't scare me Buffy."

"Not even a little?"

"Of course a little but then again you are a woman."

"Well you should be scared. You should be very scared."

"Hello! When was Xander a stripper?"


	12. Chapter 12 Spectacular! Extra Long and E...

Chapter 12 – Chapter 12 Spectacular! Extra Long and Extra Vulgar! 

"For the last time Dawn! I don't know!"

"Oh come on you must know."

"He didn't tell me."

"Yeah right."

"You think he would tell me about that sort of thing?"

"I thought he would brag about it."

"Brag about it?"

"You know, say how many tips he got…with his body I bet he got a lot of tips."

"Yeah…wait no. Anyway I don't know anything about it."

"Fine, don't tell me."

"Considering I can't tell you, then that is quite easy to do."

"So, do you think this will work?"

"Yep."

"Are you sure?"

"It has to, I saw it on Jackass."

"You watch Jackass?"

"No, of course not. That show is a very bad influence of impressively teenagers which is exactly why you can't watch it."

"Then how did you see it on Jackass?"

"Xander watches it."

"Then won't he know what to expect?"

"Nope, Xander was asleep when this they showed this one."

"So how does it work again?"

"Well…" 

Author's note: This is the part where the two of them whisper so that you (the audience) can't hear what they are saying. As such an event is more of a visual thing then I suggest you imagine it in your mind. Since that is a very boring thing to imagine I suggest you imagine what I am imagining, however after consulting the people at FanFiction.net I have been told that I am only allowed to give you three clues as to what I am imagining. So here goes, Christina Aguilera, a melon and a metric ton of table salt. Make sense of that one. Well, enough of the weird world of my mind and back to the story (although that is pretty weird as well – I suppose it is the better of two evils)…

"And that is how it will work."

"Man, this is going to be good."

"It is true what they say; revenge has a very distinctive smell."

"Oh sorry, that was me."

*****

[Shot of the outside of Xander's apartment]

"Buffy!"

[Shot of birds scattering like what happens when you throw rocks at them]

*****

[Buffy's house]

"Dawn, did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"It was probably nothing."

[Phone rings]

"Hello?"

"Buffy?"

"Xander?"

"You don't happen to know anything about what I just did in the shower?"

"Xander, what you do in the shower is your own private business."

"I'm talking about the hair dye."

"Hair dye?"

"Don't act cute."

"I can't help it."

"Believe me, you can."

"How's the hair then?"

"Different."

"What kind of different?"

"You know what kind."

"The bright pink kind?"

"Yes, the bright pink kind."

[Buffy starts to laugh]

"How bright?"

"Too bright."

"Is it see-in-the-dark bright?"

"Oh, you are so going to pay for this."

"Hey you should come over so that I can see it."

"I'm not leaving my apartment looking like this."

"Then I will come to you."

"I'm not going to let you in."

"Oh please."

"No."

"I'm just going to have to camp outside your place until you come out then."

"I'm never coming out."

"Never?"

"Never. I will live here until the dye wears out."

[Buffy laughs some more]

"What?"

"Check the bottle."

[Pause while Xander goes to get the bottle]

"Long-lasting!"

"We thought you would appreciate it."

"Appreciate it?"

"Think of the money you will save by not having to buy all that dye."

"Buffy!"

"You're not seeing the silver lining."

"No, all I can see is bright pink!"

[Buffy laughs some more]

"Laugh it up, Buffy."

"I will."

"There will be revenge."

"Hey Xander look on the bright side, at least you won't have to worry about costume parties."

"Why?"

"Just get an elephant costume and go as a pink elephant. Hello? Xander?"

***** 

[A few washes of Xander's hair later]

"Yes! No more bright pink hair. Now how should I get Buffy back? And why am I talking out loud? Eh, I'm sure there is a good reason for it."

*****

[A few revenge ideas later]

"Yes! I've got it and I am still talking out loud. There is something seriously wrong with me. Oh well, my sanity will have to wait, I have to go to the drug store."

*****

[One trip to the drug store and then another trip to Buffy's house later] 

"Hi Xander, you have some pink bits in your hair."

"I know Dawn. Is your sister in?"

"I had nothing to do with it, it wasn't me, you can't prove anything and no she isn't in."

"Excellent."

"Oh, you're going to get your revenge aren't you?"

"No."

"But you did the whole excellent evil thing."

"So?"

"That can only mean you have some sort of evil plan."

"According to what?"

"Films and to a lesser extent television."

"Damn those films! Ruined the perfectly good excellent evil thing. All right I'm getting my revenge on Buffy."

"Can I help?"

"You want to help?"

"You never had a sibling, did you?"

"No, why?"

"Well, making your brother or sister cry is the ultimate job of any sibling."

"Really?"

"Except for those freaky religious ones that actually 'love' their brothers and sisters."

"How could they!"

"Are you mocking me?"

"Mocking is such a strong word."

"Yet it isn't considered strong language."

"Go figure."

"So what's your plan?"

Author's note: Another whisper thing. I know it is kind of repetitive to do the same thing twice in one chapter but I think being repetitive is what television is all about. Anyway being repetitive isn't that annoying. I know it is kind of repetitive to do the same thing twice in one chapter but I think being repetitive is what television is all about. Anyway being repetitive isn't that annoying. I know it is kind of repetitive to do the same thing twice in one chapter but I think being repetitive is what television is all about. Anyway being repetitive isn't that annoying. Well, maybe it is. Back to the Future is a good film. Back to the story….

"But where are you going to find a monkey?"

"I think you misheard me. What I said was…"

Author's note: And another whisper thing…. I don't really know what to say…how's your mother doing? Recovered from the whole being sick thing? Good, good. And your father? So, he didn't have to go to jail? I suppose that is the benefit of having a crappy legal system…what film did you go to see? What, you mean…oh, because I was just about to say, wasn't that a 1970s porn film? I don't know how I would know if it was…let's change the subject…I wonder if Karl Marx's grave is considered another communist plot. No, that isn't the worst joke I have ever told remember the one about the Oxford English dictionary? Now that was a bad joke and surprisingly dirty. Oh, you don't remember? Well, let me tell it…sorry it appears as if the reader is getting a little bored of these author's notes and wants me to get back to the story…well, here it is….

"That does make more sense."

"So, you think you can do your part?"

"No problem."

"Excellent."

"You did it again."

"Damn Hollywood!"

*****

[Buffy's house…around tea time…. I don't know the equivalent in American …sorry…actually I'm not sorry you should learn proper English not that crappy language you speak. I mean what the hell is up with calling toilet, bathrooms? Do they have a bath? And restrooms! If you are calling them restrooms then either you are using them incorrectly or you need way too much rest…what you mean I should stop insulting you and learn to respect other people's culture? If you have a crappy culture then you should expect to be insulted. I mean did I complain when you insult the British? Of course I do, but that is because you insult stuff like cricket which as we all know is a perfectly acceptable sport that everyone (except Australia – at least at the moment) should play]

"Hello Buffy."

"Hello Xander."

"How are you?"

"Fine. And you?"

"Fine."

"Nice hair."

"Thank you."

"I especially like the pink tinge."

"Do you now."

"Yes, it suits you."

"Uh-huh."

"Xander, your face is going all red. You're not angry, are you?"

"Nope. Not angry in the slightest."

"Not even when you saw all that bright pink hair?"

[Xander's makes a no type sound]

[Dawn enters]

"Dinner is served."

"You let Dawn cook?"

"I let you cook."

"Hey!…well okay. What did ya cook?"

"Food."

"O…Kay."

"Let's eat shall we."

"After you Xander."

"No, after you."

*****

[A reasonable delicious meal later]

"That was reasonable delicious."

"Thank you Xander."

"Buffy, what did you think? Buffy?"

"I don't feel so good."

"Is that so?"

[Buffy makes what can only be described as a loud fart]

"Buffy, please."

"You!"

"Me?"

"You did this."

"Did what?"

"You put something in my food."

"Now that you mention it I may have bought some laxatives and accidentally put them in your food but I'm sure that has nothing to do with your current condition."

"Xand…" [Buffy makes another farting-type sound this time it was more a squelcher. You know the kind I mean…well at least the guys do…and those that watch Adam Sandler films]"…I have to go."

"But you haven't had any dessert."

[Buffy runs up the stairs followed by a loud bang from a door closing]

"Excellent."

****

[Several hours and quite a few toilet rolls later]

[Xander and Buffy on patrol in the Sunnydale graveyard] 

"I can't believe you put laxatives in my food."

"I can't believe you dyed my hair bright pink."

"Truce?"

"Truce."

"Man, I wish I could have seen your face."

"Yeah well I wish…"

[Enter a dark shadowy figure]

"Are you the Slayer?"

"Who wants to know?"

"I am the son of [_author's note: His name is impossible to spell with my current keyboard and anyway it doesn't really matter. So I will give him a name that you will be able to understand] the son of evil demon 4."_

"Who?"

"The son of the evil demon (SED) that you killed."

"I kill a lot of demons."

"What?"

"Buff, try not to angry the big evil demon."

"Oh calm down Xander, it is not like he is going…"

"Die Slayer!"

"…To attack us. Oops."

"Oops? Don't you mean fuc…"

SED jumped a really long evil distance and shoulder-barged, in an evil way, Xander to the floor."


	13. Unlucky For Some

**Chapter 13 – Unlucky For Some.**

****

"Xander!" Shouted Buffy as she saw him being knocked right across the room. After hitting the wall he lay motionless. "Not again."

"So Slayer you killed my father and in return I will kill you." Said SED in his evil way.

"Very original."

"Hey listen lady it is hard to be original when you are avenging someone's death."

"I accept that but you are not even trying."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on. Son of evil demon wants to avenge death of father by killing the slayer who killed him. Hello! That is like the plot of every single action sequel."

"I don't watch films."

"You don't?"

"No I became disillusioned with Hollywood many years ago."

"Lucky you."

"That's the way I see it."

"So, are we going to fight or what?"

"I was kind of enjoying our banter."

"Yeah but you just knocked out from friend over there and I kind of want him to get some medical attention."

"Oh that's understandable. I suppose we are going to have to fight."

"You could just leave, you know, without fighting."

"I could but me being an evil demon bent on revenge I don't think that is very likely."

"Worth a shot though."

"You ready?"

"Bring it on."

SED charged at Buffy in an evil way that would be very apparent if this was the television show but it quite hard to describe in words, especially without the aid of diagrams. Oh how my life would be easier if I could use diagrams to explain what I am describing. Anyway you will have to just imagine the evil way SED charged at Buffy. She jumped out of the way causing SED to slam headfirst in the wall. "Now that's using your head." Quipped Buffy. 

After SED didn't move for a moment Buffy went over to Xander. He had a large cut above his eye, which was bleeding quite a lot. Buffy tore off part of her shirt and used it as a makeshift bandage. She then lifted him onto his feet and, with her supporting his weight, made for the exit. By now he was slowly regaining consciousness. His hand went immediately to the cut and bringing his blood-covered hand back in front of his eyes he said, "Not again."

"Yep." Said Buffy.

"Why does this always happen to me?"

"Maybe you are some kind of demon magnet."

"Yeah, that's probably it."

Xander noticed the tore section of Buffy's shirt. "That shirt's ruined."

"Yeah I know."

"But that was your favourite shirt."

"And you're my favourite demon magnet."

"I'll buy you a new one."

"Yeah you do that right after you get some emergency medical attention."

"I'm bleeding on you."

"Don't worry, the shirt is already ruined."

"But what about your pants?"

"It's only a little bit."

"I'll keep my head tilted away from them."

"Xander I don't really mind if you get blood on my pants. You do have a major head wound and all."

"Talking of my major head wound I think I might just pass out for a minute."

Xander closed his eyes.

"Xander, Xander!" 

He slowly opened them and looked at Buffy, "What?"

"I don't think it is a good idea for you to go to sleep."

"Sure it is, I'm sleepy ergo I sleep."

"I'm pretty sure that you should remain conscious."

"I'm conscious just asleep."

"Xander!"

"I was just resting my eyes."

"Yeah sure you were."

"Hey Buffy?"

"What?"

"You know that demon you were fighting. Did you kill him?"

"I think I just knocked him unconscious, why?"

"Because there is a really large demon standing right behind us and I was just wondering if that was the same one from before."

Buffy turned round just in time for the SED to smack her right across her face. This not only caused her to fall to the ground but also caused Xander to fall. As she lay onto of him trying to stand up their eyes met and for a second neither moved. However quickly they both snapped out of it and were up of their feet or in Xander's case leaning against a wall. 

"You thought I would be defeated so easily?" Said SED.

"Your father was." Buffy shot back.

"That was low."

"You're a demon."

"I still have feelings."

"Yeah, evil ones."

"Like the ones I am having about cutting your throat."

"It's a pity for you their only thoughts."

"That could change."

"Sorry real life isn't like your dreams."

"You mean in real life the good guys always win?"

"Nope, we just win against people like you."

"Not that I want to break up your verbal sparring but I am bleeding quite a lot over here and I was wondering if you could fight so Buffy could win and I can get some medical attention." Injected Xander.

"I wouldn't be so sure about your friend's victory."

"Yeah but she isn't your friend, is she?"

At that SED launched himself at Buffy who was taken by surprise as she had been staring at Xander after his last remarks. However she quickly regained the advantage by a swift kick to the evil demon's evil head and a punch to his evil stomach. The demon was visibly hurt but he came back for more and this time Buffy didn't recover quickly. She had been thrown for quite a distance and landed heavily on the floor. This dazed her slightly and SED saw his chance. However before he could attack Xander jumped on his back from behind. It only took a few moments for the evil demon to get him off his evil back but this was just long enough for Buffy to recover. And the evil demon had thrown Xander next to a pile of what suspiciously like really large stakes. He threw one in Buffy's direction. She jumped in the air to avoid the onrushing evil demon caught the 'stake' in mid-air and plunged it into the evil demon's evil heart as she landed and he turned round to face her. The demon was dead.

Buffy took a moment to recover and then turned around to see Xander, in obvious pain, struggling to get up.

"I think we should get you to the hospital." She said as she went over to help him.

"Same to you." He replied pointing at her face.

Buffy's hand went to her head and returned covered in blood.

"It's a mere flesh wound."

"Only a Slayer could say that."

"And the black knight." As she lifted him upon his feet and made for the exit.

"And the black knight." Repeated Xander looking at her with a broad grin.


	14. It’s The End Of The Story As We Know It

Chapter Fourteen – It's The End Of The Story As We Know It 

****

Buffy and Xander were sitting on a couch in front of a television. Both of them had bandages of their faces but Xander's was much larger than Buffy's.

"Xander?" Asked Buffy.

"Yeah." Said Xander.

"Nothing."

A minute passed where neither of them said anything and both concentrated on the television.

"Xander?" Asked Buffy again.

"Yeah."

"Nothing."

"Buffy?"

"Yeah."

"If you have something to say then said it."

"Okay."

Again another minute passed where neither of them said anything.

"Xander?"

"What? What is it Buffy? What are you trying to say?" Shouted Xander.

Buffy was taken aback by Xander's outburst but said after a moment's hesitation, "Can you change the channel?"

"Oh." Xander looked embarrassed, "Oh…yeah." He reached for the remote and changed the channel.

****

"Xander?"

"Yeah." He said in a resigned way.

"I just want to say…"

"Really? You want to say something? I would never have guessed." Said Xander sarcastically.

"Was that sarcasm?"

"No, that wasn't sarcasm." Said Xander sarcastically…again.

"I think it was sarcasm."

"You think that."

"I will."

"Well all right then."

"Actually I did have something to say."

"You did? Well I'm sorry I think you were just being…well being Buffy."

"That's okay I…hey! What do you mean being Buffy?"

"I didn't say that."

"You just did."

"I think it would be best for both of us if I didn't."

"You mean it would be best for you if you didn't."

"Of course."

"Well for some unknown reason I will ignore it."

"God bless you."

"I was thinking about yesterday and I just wanted to say that I wouldn't know what I would do if I lost you."

"You're not going to lose me. You might want too at times but you're not going to lose me."

"Yeah." Said Buffy with a smile.

Xander smiled back and for a moment they stared into each other's eyes. However they quickly snapped out of it and Xander asked, "What now?"

"Ice cream." Said Buffy.

"Ice cream." Repeated Xander. "Why not?"

The two of them went out into the street.

****

"Is that a sunset?" Asked Buffy.

"Yeah." 

And they walked off hand in hand in its direction….

"No wait, that's an advertisement." Said Xander. 

****

Author's note: That is it. It is over. There will be no more. Finished. That is that. This story is so over. You can leave the building because this story has…wait I messed that up. This story has left the building. 


End file.
